Archive for the ‘Clean Jokes’ Category
Quick Jokes by Chris Long
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.”
—–
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn’t bring her out of it. When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.
—–
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin…)
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,”Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AXE and two 38s!”
CONTACT / FINAL INFO
You can contact me via the web at http://www.laughandlift.com/contact.html
May you have a WONDERFUL day today!
Your Brother in Christ,
Chris Long
Laugh & Lift Ministries
http://www.laughandlift.com
Today’s CleanPun – Investing Advice
Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of “pointers” was the fact that George should invest only small sums.
But George threw caution to the wind and six months later, sent an e-mail to Jim. It said, “So much for your pointers. Now, send me some retrievers!”
Shared by Pastor Tim Davis
Cybersalt Digest
“Special Delivery”
“Hi, there,” I said with a big smile. “Is your mommy home?” Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, “I have a delivery for her.”
The child’s mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. “Mom!” She shrieked, “come quick! It’s the stork!”
Silly Jokes
Silly Jokes by Chris Long
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids.
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn’t Work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat
Medical Care
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn’t reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for a month from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a Golden Retriever.
The second is a Senior Citizen.
By Chris Long
“Top 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood”
10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.
8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.
7. Eat until you’re about to burst and then ride the Screamin’ Hurler roller coaster.
6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with it’s tongue.
5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, “You DA man!”
4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom’s “personal things.”
3. Give him Grandma’s lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, “TUFFGUY.”
2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.
1. Shot put catching.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
From Pastor Tim Davis
Cybersalt Digenst
Quick Jokes by Chris Long
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, “Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and hold your nose.”
——–
“I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows and what on EARTH did he think he was doing?!” – Billy Connolly
——–
No matter how much I exercise my body, it refuses to go away and leave me alone.
——–
The pastor shocked the congregation when he announced that he was resigning from the church and moving to a drier climate.
“Singing Practice”
Joe’s wife likes to sing. She decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.
His wife, with hurt feelings, said, “What’s the matter, Joe? Don’t you like my singing?”
Joe replied, “Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I’m not beating you.”
By Pastor Tim Davis
Cybersalt Digest
THE MAYOR’S BURDEN
THE MAYOR’S BURDEN
Larr Mullinax
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law’s political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.
The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, “Hey, do you know who I am?”
The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor’s office. “Tell the mayor,” he said to the secretary, “that his brother-in-law is down here and can’t remember his name.”
Quick Jokes by Chris Long
John then ran to a department store a quarter-mile away and returned with a hanger. After a few attempts, he got the door open and we climbed in. As we sat there, soaked and cold, he stuck the hanger under his seat.
With a smug grin, he said, “Now if this ever happens again, I’ll have one.”
——–
Mary announced that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Great,” Sue exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Wonderful,” Mary replied. “I’ll go with you.”
——–
Sometime’s it’s just hard to tell….
Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I’m not. I’m her mother.